Okay, so I know that’s not a “good mom” statement. It’s true though. Some days, I just want to crawl back in bed and hide, or beat my head against the wall in frustration.
I love my son. I love all three of my children. I adore them actually. Some days, though, dealing with the ups and downs of a child with special needs is just hard. Some days I want to just not deal with it.
Does that make me a bad mom? Sometimes I think so, but I think it also makes me human. As humans, we shrink away from what makes us uncomfortable or from what is painful – both physically and emotionally.
It’s painful to watch my son in the throws of his obsessions and compulsions. It’s difficult to try to calm him, to deal with the aftermath of one of his meltdowns. It makes me hurt for him.
Since I don’t believe in beating my kids or my pets (that makes me a GOOD mom, right?) I don’t take out my frustration in a physical way. Sometimes, though I do want to punch the wall or bang my head on the desk out of sheer frustration or a need to vent physically. I’ve found that there are better ways, but I still picture myself going “bang, bang, bang” on the wall. Not hard, mind you – I don’t want to bash my brains out or kill any brain cells – I need to keep as many as I can.
No, just a few little taps to make me feel better.
I don’t do that though, instead I bang the keyboard. I write. I release my frustrations, my fears, my aggravations, and my tears in my writing. It is my hope that I’m not alone in my feelings – that the things I write about are similar to what other parents of special needs kids feel.
The main thing, though, is that I hope that my own struggles encourage another parent and help them feel not-so-alone. Cuz we all know parenting aint for sissies – and it can be a lonely job with little appreciation.