Yeah. So. Remember how I told you about the rainbows and sunshine and flowers? Not so much.
So now I get to eat crow, and tell you that no, hell has not frozen over, pigs can’t fly. And let me know if you need to talk about the easter bunny, the tooth fairy, or Santa.
Yesterday – you know, the day we thought everything was grand with Joseph, and I may have allowed a wee little self-congratulating pat on my own back? Yeah. Joseph blew up. He stole three items, and committed a violent act. Great. I’m trying to remember that he’s progressing, and we’re not back to square one. But that’s hard. Let me repeat if only for my own edification. We are progressing, we are not back to square one.
Which brings me to my feelings yesterday. Shame. I don’t like the feeling. Shame and embarrassment. Of my son. When he behaves in a socially unacceptable way – I can deal with it. No big deal. My son is who my son is. It’s when he does things that do harm to others, such as stealing, or hurting another child – THAT’S when my shame casts its pall. Because really? It’s embarrassing to have to bring the items back. My son has no shame or regret (which is part of his disorder.) It’s awful wondering if the other child’s parents are going to do something. I mean – I couldn’t blame them if they did, my son hurt their child.
But I also feel guilty for feeling ashamed of my son. I mean, truthfully, if a neurotypical child were to act as my son did, I’d blame the parents at this age (he’s 7.) And I’m sure people, especially those who know nothing of his disorder, do the same. I mean c’mon – he had his hands around someone’s neck! No. No one was seriously hurt – but that’s merely one of the reasons we’re trying to get his behavior under control. The bigger he gets, the easier it’ll be for him to do serious bodilly injury while he’s unable to control himself. And that worries me.
And I feel ashamed that I posted about his doing so wonderful, just to turn around and have him do this.
I almost didn’t post this. In fact, I’m literally crying as I write. BUT, I thought that would not be an accurate portrayal of life with a child with disabilities (or at least Joseph’s disabilities) so here we are.
However. I’ve decided it’s ok for me to feel shame when my child hurts someone. Ok. Now it’s time to get over myself and go to Joseph’s therapist, and realize we’ve had a setback and now we need to learn from it, and move on. Because quite frankly, it’s been MONTHS since one of his outbursts! That truly is progress. He’s getting 90%’s in math! That truly is progress. And so – we keep on keeping on.